Spiritual Mentoring Is a Two Way Street

Mentoring Also Involves Learning from the Mentee

Antonio Booth

For three years I ministered in the Kingdom of Swaziland. It is a small country that is about the size of New Jersey with less than one million people. While there I befriended Bonginkhosi Target Gama, a twenty year old who was unemployed and attending one of our Baptist churches in Swaziland. Bonginkhosi means “thank God”. His friends gave him the name “Target” because he was so adept with soccer. So Bonginkhosi adopted “Target” as his middle name.  My friendship with Target became a mentoring relationship. Through Target  I learned powerful lessons of a being a spiritual mentor.

When I first met Target, he was assisting with worship. He also translated the sermon from English into Siswati. My wife and I were impressed with this young man that we decided to meet him after worship. Target told me he finished high school and was looking for a job. Within a few weeks, we offered him a position as a Mission Helper at our Baptist Mission. This position was designed to give young people, who recently graduated from high school, an opportunity to gain skills while looking for a permanent job or trying to gain admission into college. He gladly accepted the position.

In my spirit, I felt God  leading me  to mentor this young man. Little did I know that Target was praying for someone to coach him during this period of trying to develop career goals and deepen his spiritual life.  It was the first time I got involved with a young person who really took to heart my counsel.  For example,  when Target arrived at the Baptist Mission, I met with him to discuss money management. We explored previous jobs and how he spent or saved his money. We discussed the importance of saving and tithing a portion of one’s income. To my surprise Target was very receptive and committed himself to tithing his monthly income. Throughout my time in Swaziland, Target became a regular tithing church member.

It seems God used almost any encounter we had to help Target grow into the man God had designed him to be.  After Target completed his driver training and got his license, he asked to use the Baptist Mission vehicle to practice his skills. While coaching Target about his driving techniques, Target also wanted to talk about a lot of topics such as faith, money, dating and personal issues. He willingly accepted my counsel.

The most open disclosure was his relationship with his father. Target’s father abandoned the family while he was in high school. His father, a polygamous,  married another woman and started a new family. The father did not maintain any contact with Target or his siblings or his mother.  The father gave no financial support to the family. Target’s mother had to sell fruits and vegetables to pay school fees and provide for her children. When his nephew was hospitalized due to severe  burns, Target’s father did not visit the hospital or call any relatives to find out about his grandson. Target perceived his father’s indifference as another indication of not caring for his family.  Target asked, “How could he abandon us?”

His open disclosure made me realize that I became the father figure Target longed for. I became the person Target could seek spiritual and practical guidance. I became the person who would coach him about his career choices. He was a twenty year old high school graduate whose father abandoned him. His mother could not write her name; therefore could not really advise Target about career choices.  Getting into college was difficult for a person without means or influence. If Target did not have someone in his life coaching him, Target’s life would be limited to “day jobs” such as making cement blocks.  He would become like so many Swazis with little hope for their future. His fatalistic attitude about life would become, “This is the way it is.” Somehow God wanted to use me to open his eyes to see his future with hope.

Even so, my relationship would not be limited to what I could do for him. Target also had something that I needed. Target taught me this lesson. He taught me that spiritual mentoring should not be one sided.  It should not be limited to one person being the sage, while the other sits at the sage’s feet. Each must give something in the relationship.  The mentor must recognize that God brought the mentee in his or her life for a reason. If the person you are mentoring is to mature, the mentor must accept ministry from that person. Mentoring has to involve expecting the mentee to bless you also. This idea is best captured in the scene in the movie, “ Antwone Fisher”  where the psychiatrist salutes Antwone, the patient,  for helping him become a better father, husband and man.

The Bible illustrates the same concept. Luke writes that the women who followed Jesus, used their resources to support his ministry. The women came to receive his teachings, but also ministered to Jesus.  Jesus accepted their ministry of giving. The repentant woman came to Jesus for forgiveness, but also ministered to Jesus by washing his feet with her tears and drying them with her hair.  He received her ministry of hospitality. The Philippians not only received Paul’s message of salvation, but also supported Paul by sending money and people to assist him in his ministry when he was in Corinth and other places. Paul wrote to the Romans informing them that when he visits, he wants to be mutually encouraged. Paul wants to accept the Roman Christians’ ministry of encouragement.

Target was surprised when I asked him to become my teacher.  In his culture, a twenty year old is called a “little boy” by older people. A twenty year old does not advise an older man.  I was old enough to be Target’s father. However, I accepted him as my teacher.  I sat at his feet to learn how to speak Siswati. He helped me understand the difference  between the words today and now. He  taught me how to greet people. He taught me how to greet a congregation in the name of Jesus. Target helped me understand the culture; what is considered rude and what is considered polite. His lessons helped me  to  include cultural ideas in my sermons. My lessons also became informal mentoring sessions.  As we met week after week for Siswati lessons  I saw a “little boy” growing into his manhood. I witnessed a young man being transformed into a spiritual man.

Target also taught me the joy of being a father figure. My wife and I have no children.  Even so, God blessed us with many spiritual children. Target became one of our family members. I enjoyed his relationship as much as my brothers enjoyed being with their sons. Target told me the way he honored his father was by living with integrity. Target demonstrated how much  he honored me as a father by appropriating our discussions in his life.  I pitied Target’s father for not appreciating the great son God gave him.  He was given a son with a heart for the Lord. Target tried to maintain sexual purity. He went home every weekend to help his mother with the homestead- chopping wood, building a fence around the property, planting a garden, etc. Target never begrudged these responsibilities. Who could ask for a better child?  I once told Target, “ If your father does not want you as his son, I will gladly adopt you.”

As I reflect on our relationship, I realized that Target taught me that effective mentoring has the following factors:

1.       Spiritual mentoring should be done prayerfully. God leads you to the person He wants you to disciple. God wants to use that person to work further personal  transformation within you. Target prayed for help, God lead me to Target.

2.       Spiritual mentoring should be done in a humble spirit. The mentor should always expect that the mentee has something to offer. Pray for God to show you what it is. When God shows you, encourage the mentee by becoming a student or mentee.  As you do so, you will also discern the person’s spiritual gifts and passion.

3.       Spiritual mentoring should not be limited to Bible study sessions. The Bible should be central in discussions to help the person gain God’s wisdom in decisions and handling personal situations.  Instead of Bible study sessions, give the person spiritual books to read. Target read Christian books such as The Cross and the Switch Blade, 1800 Degree Sex, Giants in the Land, Five Love Languages, etc.  

4.       Spiritual mentoring should have spontaneity. Our best discussions were when Target would drive me to different places.

5.       Spiritual mentoring should always be confidential.  Target’s willingness to disclose personal issues was because he knew I would never breach his confidentiality.